Enmeshment is a psychological term that refers to blurred, weak or absent boundaries between people, often occurring in families and romantic relationships.  When a person experiences enmeshment with their mother and father, for instance, they will be incapable of separating their feelings and thoughts from their parent’s feelings and thoughts.  In other words, they will have a poor sense of self and no clearly formed identity.  Enmeshment creates tremendous dysfunction within families and damaging impacts later in adult life.

Enmeshment usually begins in childhood within our families. Think about your upbringing for a few moments.  Can you relate to any of the following signs?

• If one family member felt anxious, angry or depressed, everyone felt and absorbed it
• You felt the need to caretake your mother or father AND/OR you felt the need to parent your mother or father (also known as parentification)
• Your achievements or failures defined your family’s sense of worthiness
• Your family was built on the foundation of power and submission, rather than equality and respect
• Being autonomous, doing your own thing or making unique choices was seen as a sign of betrayal
• Everyone in the family was overly involved in each other’s lives and there was little privacy
• You felt shamed or rejected for saying “no” or disagreeing with any of your family members
• One or both of your parents were controlling and strict
• You felt that you had to be who your parents wanted you to be – you weren’t allowed to be your authentic self
• Your family made decisions as one entity (not as individuals coming together sharing their opinions) or , or one parent’s irrational behavior controlled all decisions.

Why did your parents create an enmeshed environment?

There are many different reasons why your parents created an enmeshed environment growing up – Most likely it was absolutely unintentional.  It’s easy to assume that they were also brought up in the same enmeshed environment, and don’t know any different!

The best way to heal from dysfunctional relationships, is by emphasizing the idea of healthy independence, known as individuation.

When we began this life, all of our needs were met by other people such as our caregivers. We can’t meet our own needs as babies.  Naturally as we grow older, we progress from being powerless to empowerment.

(Read more about Dysfunctional Family Trauma)

Healthy individuation involves both autonomy and connection.

Connection is developed from the womb until around the age of 2 years (the sacral chakra stage developmental stage).

Sacral chakra development begins with a fused identity between mother and child and ends with the emergence of autonomy.  The child first learns his emotions as an extension of those of the family, but later learns to have his own.  When the child is not allowed to emerge and express himself as a unique individual, he is enmeshed.  When emotions arise that are not pleasing to the mother, such as anger, dependency, or fear, and they are met with punishment, rejection, or shame, then the child learns that he can only have feelings that correspond to his parents wishes or feeling states.  This can also happen to the child who has violent parents – always trying to mask their emotions and avoid causing anymore pain or drama to the family, becoming the pleaser.

The child is not allowed to develop a separate identity grounding in his own sensate/emotional experience.  The child’s life is defined in terms of family needs, but the family is not there to supply the child’s needs.  An enmeshed child will therefore feel guilty when pursuing his own needs and interests.

Autonomy is developed from the age of 18 months to four years (solar plexus developmental stage).  You know the “terrible twos”, when the child learns to say “no” and act out?  They’re learning their separate wants and needs from their parents; They’re finding their individuality.

For a moment, I want you think back to that time. 

Where were you?

What was your environment like?

What was your mom doing?

What was your dad like? 

What was their relationship like?

Does that time frame reveal any hidden traumas?

It’s essential to break free from the trap of enmeshment.  It’s been proven that enmeshment can eventually progress into multiple personality disorders, dysfunctional romantic  relationships, depression, narcissism, separation anxiety, clinginess, etc.

HOW DO WE FREE OURSELVES FROM ENMESHMENT?

1. We need to create resolution with the inner Child and the needs that were not met.
2. We have to realize and recognize the pattern of dysfunction in our relationships.
3. We have to become completely aware of what needs we are trying to have met through this dysfunctional pattern.
4. Instead of meeting that need in the way you normally would (that causes destruction), find a way to meet that need that is constructive!